I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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