I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I think a kid would responsible me up
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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