the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
