I have demons in me.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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