U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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