Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
my liver is dry heaving
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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