Sorry, I don't speak sober.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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