I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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