Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
