The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm too high and old for this...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
