I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
