Betty ford says i'm here all night
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
