just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
