The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
