just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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