The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
