Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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