Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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