i don't plan on having that self control this summer
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
