just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Randomize
