How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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