well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Do you remember whose house we're in?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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