Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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