i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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