You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
