just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
