Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
