we have pet lesbian snakes
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
