Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
