apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
