Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
