My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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