Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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