you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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