Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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