Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
