i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
