Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
