i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
