I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Is it because I queefed?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
