my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
