happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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