I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
