I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
