I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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