i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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