you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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