Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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