omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
