At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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