he thought i was a dude.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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