I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
